


Dear Aradia

by noodlerdoodler



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Depression, F/M, Humanstuck, Hurt/Comfort, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-08-09
Updated: 2015-08-09
Packaged: 2018-04-13 21:22:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,146
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4537863
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/noodlerdoodler/pseuds/noodlerdoodler
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"That would be like unlocking your secret journal, I think, and playing it would be like reading the journal aloud. If you did have a secret journal, nobody found it or if they did, nobody told me. I had kinda hoped you'd have something written down that I could keep but there was nothing. Notes for studying and scrawled remainders and well-written essays with bad handwriting but there was nothing personal. Nothing, Aradia. You left me fucking nothing."</p>
            </blockquote>





	Dear Aradia

Dear Aradia, 

I know there's no way you'll ever be able to open this email, not unless I somehow managed to dig six feet under and discovered you were still alive with a smile that burns like a thousand tiny stars and took you by the hand and brought you back into the real world. Your smile is what I'm holding onto because I can't remember much else of you now. I've seen pictures of you, of course. There's tons of them laid out near the bridge amongst the flowers and messages that people have left for you. I was still in hospital when I saw this stupid display on the local news and I would have laughed, only I can't laugh anymore. The sound cramps in my throat and I can't manage to hack it up. It just gets stuck there, hurting, a lump that I have to swallow down or else I will start to cry and I haven't cried yet and I don't want to start now. Everyone else has been crying. People that didn't even like you have been crying and it makes me want to punch them in the face. 

But recently, I was thinking about the messages that were left for you and guilt crept up on me and crashed down in waves. Suddenly, I couldn't even go five minutes without remembering that I hadn't left you anything. I hadn't left a note, hadn't laid down the dark red roses you like, hadn't even gone to the funeral. I can't tell if it's selfish of me or just plain stupid but for whatever reason, I couldn't bring myself to do any of those things. Even as weeks turn to months, I can't even begin to think about approaching the bridge or about heading to your family's house. KK keeps trying to encourage me to come out of my room and go with him to bowl, to the arcade, to go to Taco Bell, to movies. And sometimes, I do but I feel slightly off the whole time. Like something's missing. It doesn't take a genius to notice that the thing that's missing is you. 

Tonight, we went bowling and I got to watch KK fawn over Strider whenever he thought nobody was looking at him. It was obvious to everyone that he was trying desperately "to get the coolkid's attention" as Terezi put it afterwards. Which amused me because even the blind girl seemed to be able to see exactly what was going on. There again, you know Terezi, she always seems to know the shit that's going down even before the rest of us. You would say she had some kind of sixth sense but I'm pretty sure it's just because she likes freaking us out. Anyway, after we were heading home from bowling, I was sat next to Terezi in the car. And after she was done screwing with Karkat, she turned to me and said:  
"It's really not the same without her around, you know?" The silence that fell abruptly over the car was so cold and uncertain that I shivered and a fresh sweat broke out on my palms.  
"No." I think my voice might have shaken, "It really isn't." The rest of the ride home was almost silent until KK came to his senses and turned the radio up as loud as he could and we yelled and talked louder than we had to do. But as hard as we try, it's impossible to drown out the silence that you left behind. I wish you were still here. 

When I got home, a short while ago, I realised that I had to do something. But I couldn't leave some flowers or some shit because what would be the point? You're dead, you're not going to know if I left flowers for you or not. Besides, I know that you would understand that it isn't because I don't care but because I think it's dumb. So, while the others leave cards and gifts for you, I figured I'd actually talk to you. I know you'll never reply or even open this message, that it'll be eternally bleeping in your inbox and waiting you to read it. But... I don't know. We emailed and messaged and texted so much that I just feel close to you this way. Knowing that these thoughts will fly away from me to your inbox is oddly reassuring. It clears the mind, you know? That's what you would probably say. Getting all my thoughts out in this email is definitely a good thing, the same way Karkat screaming his thoughts is a good thing. Bottling up emotions is no good, you always said that, it's easier to let them out. This is me, letting my emotions out. To you and only to you. 

So, let me fill you in on what you missed: 

KK, like I said, has been all over Strider recently. He hasn't managed to bring him home and fuck him into his mattress yet but I'm concerned that may be on his to-do list. At least he doesn't have a bed to break anymore, since his last one finally crumpled under the weight of the two of us gaming a few weeks back and he had to throw it out. He said he'll get a new bed as soon as he can but currently, he's just lying on his mattress pushed up against the wall. I don't think he minds too much, since he barely sleeps anyway and his mattress is in the perfect position for his movie marathons in there. But I think the whole event highlights just how bad we're doing for money right now. KK is still working at the fast food place down the street- much to his annoyance- but he's taken up another job at the thrift store we used to go to. When he told me, my mouth turned sandpaper dry and I couldn't find any words. You loved that thrift store. That was one of your favourite places. 

I'm still out of work but KK has stopped pushing me to get a job, now that I'm apparently "depressed". I tried to argue that I was fine but then he reminded me that it wasn't normal to stay at my computer all day, not even coding anymore but just mindlessly typing. The other day, I typed an entire page of nonsense before even realising what I was doing. Maybe I'm fucking losing it. God, what if I end up like Mituna and have to go live with my parents again? That would suck major dicks. Speaking of which, I've started going back to college and that also sucks major dicks because it is full of major dicks. Not that I'm sucking any of them. But KK finally convinced me to come back since he's been stuck with nobody to talk to but Pyrope and I had to take pity on the guy. Imagine working two jobs, attending college and putting up with TZ!! That's definitely enough to drive anyone mad. 

So, I finally gave in and went back to college. Everyone was really surprised to see me back and also apologising a lot like it was their fault you fell off a bridge. Actually, a lot of people asked me what it was like to know somebody that had committed suicide and that really confused me. You may have had a strange fascination with death but I know that you were intent on living your life to the fullest and would never bring about your own death. Plus, I was there that night and saw you slip. If anything, I killed you because I saw you falling but I couldn't move to catch you. I couldn't get my body to move and that's exactly how I feel now, all the time. Like I'm stuck in the moment you fell and I can't do anything or say anything because it's already too late. But I don't want to talk about that. Not even to you. Not right now. 

Like I said before, there's no way that you're ever going to read this email but I like to think that you will. Somehow. It would be miraculous but you always were full of miracles, GZ said something along those lines the first time he saw me after the accident. He didn't visit in hospital but waited until I got back home and settled in. And he visited the next day, speaking out miracles and offering me a joint more than once. I settled for a cigarette or two instead, thinking about how you'd left me and how angry I was about it. As soon as I calmed down, I remembered how much you hate cigarettes and stubbed them out immediately. It was a moment of spitefulness but only a moment. And moments pass quickly, as you would say, blurring into minutes and hours until you can't distingiush them anymore. That's why we've got to make music and words and photographs and pictures because otherwise we lose the important moments. I was thinking this over the other day and decided that it was strangely poetic. KK called it "intellectual bullshit". 

As I was saying, I like to think that you're still out there, burning steadily in the sky and lighting the ways for other lost souls. I think you'd be good at that, you know, welcoming new spirits from beyond the grave to whatever afterlife there is. You were always so positive about death and always so bright and happy. I wonder if you are now that you've experienced it. Or if it's like McDonalds, which always looks appealing until you eat it and realise that it's totally gross and that you should have just gone to Taco Bell like usual. Taco Bell is the fucking bomb. I can say that now you aren't here to argue about how gross you think it is. (Don't worry, KK keeps ranting about it anyway. You'd be proud of him. Also, you are both horribly wrong because Taco Bell rocks. Fuck you both).

By the way, you won't believe who visited the other day to offer his condolences! Only Kankri fucking Vantas, that's who! You know, Karkat's brother. Well, he came over for dinner and to say sorry (why does everybody have to apologise?) for our loss and it was an overall a very, very prickly experience. Mainly because KK spent most of it with his head buried in his hands and because Kankri insisted on making us pray before eating and I nearly vomited. At his words, not at the praying. KK normally makes me say grace before eating anyway, even if it's something super quick like "we're grateful for the food we've been given and pray for those with none" or something like that. Since you died, we've been praying for you over our takeouts before eating so there you go, something to put on your ghostly résumé, AA. You've got two nerds praying for you prior to eating crappy Chinese takeout that you would have scoffed out for being "not Chinese in the slightest". Anyway, I guess it's just because Papa Vantas is a preacher and both KKs are used to praying. 

Kankri rambled out for quite a long time about you accepting Jesus, which made me frown at him because I'm pretty sure you were agnostic and much preferred to believe in other religions anyway. But Karkat kicked me under the table so I decided I'd just let him finish. And then, I took my food to my room and ignored the pair of them until it was time for Kankri to leave. And I know you're scowling at my poor manners right now but I'm miserable enough without Kankri Vantas giving me a headache on top of it all. So, just save me the lecture, okay? I already know what a shitty excuse for a human being I am. 

Anyways, that's all I've got to say off the top of my head and I'm about to pass out here. I hope you're okay wherever you are but I hope that you're having fun too. All that stuff about living eternally in a perfect world after death sounds pretty boring to me, so I hope you get to go somewhere interesting. I remember you dug up a lot of religious stuff about the afterlife a while ago for some project, maybe I'll go look for it later. It's always interesting to read your writing, AA. That sounds sappy but screw you, I'll allowed to be as sappy as I want to my girlfriend. Doesn't matter that you'll never probably see this or that you're long gone. You're still my girlfriend and I can still be sappy as fuck if I want to be. 

Love Sollux


End file.
